Hi Grief, My New Friend
We are living with uncertainty, most of our life. The only thing that’s certain is that at any point of our lives, we are all going to die.
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If you are reading this and currently grieving, I am so sorry for your loss, I am with you. Almost 4 months ago, my father took his last breath. It was surreal even until now. Last year, I did a qualitative research about grief experience after the loss of a father, who knows that months later I will be experiencing it. No matter how much I know that death will come to us or no matter how much I know the process of grieving, I am still surprised by it. By far, losing my father so early was the biggest ‘surprise’ I had my whole life.
Grief is the natural response to loss that is strong and mostly overwhelming. We may experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and even profound sadness. Grief can also affect our physical health. A simple daily activity such as sleeping, eating, or showering could be difficult. All of these are completely normal. The more significant the loss, the more intense your grief will be.
Grief is individual and unique. No one grieves in exactly the same way. The 5 stages of grief by Kübler-Ross helps to identify what we may be feeling, but they are not linear timeline of grief. Our grief experience will be influenced by culture, belief, religious background, personal values, etc. As the result, no one should compare nor should tell you what you did wrong or right about your grief experience.
These past few months, my view of death has been transformed. I am still afraid of death. The darkness, the cold, the unknown. The process and the thoughts of dying is cruel and scary. Even so, I know that at any point death could be something beautiful or even meaningful. Oscar Wilde once said “Death must be so beautiful, to lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace”.
Death is certain. At any point of our life we will experience grief and death. As my grief journey still so fresh and raw, here’s some of the things I do that helps me to cope:
1. Taking my time
Grief is an exhausting process emotionally. I took all the time I needed and be gentle with myself. I didn’t push myself to pretend that I am okay. I cried as much as I needed, and when there was a time that I don’t feel like myself, I will take it easy and rest.
2. Connect
The first few weeks were really hard, I didn’t receive calls and reply messages. I just wanted to withdraw and lay in the bed all day. After I gained “some energy”, I try to talk with my friend. Especially with the one who experienced father loss before.
3. Join support group
Joined an online support group and community helps me, A LOT. It makes me feel that I am not alone, and I shouldn’t go through this alone.
4. Accept that your friend may be awkward with you
I noticed that some of my friends behaved differently toward me. There was lots of silence and awkward conversation which I actually found “funny”.
5. Maintain your hobbies
I love cooking and baking. Since my father died, I cooked and baked a lot. It helps me to regain my energy, my focus, and getting back at my “old self”
Death is a difficult topic to discuss all around the world. Talk, speak up, and normalize death conversation would help. Sending all of you a bunch of loves, strengths, and lights. You are not alone.
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“Probably what you are fearing isn’t actually death. What you’re afraid of is being left behind, alone, when your loved one dies”
Written by : Reynalda Fildzah D.
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